Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

I knew from the moment I woke up this morning, that I was going to be bad. My alarm went off and the song “Boom Boom Pow” was playing. It always gets me fired up. While choosing my attire for the day, I had decided on my maroon skinny jeans. I have these heels that matched my jeans perfectly. The problem is, they are really sandal-y and 100% against company dress code. I sat there pouting that I was so three thousand and eight and my lame office is so two thousand and late. I decided I wasn’t going to let them ruin an awesome outfit, and put the heels on. Now all I had to do was avoid the Fashion Police lady in my department. She’s in charge of actually looking at what everyone wears everyday to make sure it’s code appropriate, and if it's not-you are sent home on unpaid time to change. Once at work, I was focused and working hard when I printed a letter and got up to retrieve it. At the printer I spotted The Fashion Policewoman. Crap! I sat back down and was planning on waiting her out. To kill some time, I checked my facebook, incase any one of my 3 friends who never message me, happened to do so. No messages. I looked back up at the printer. She was still there! I had things to do, and needed my freakin letter! Then I came up with a plan. I walked up to the printer and shouted “Hello!!” she startled and looked me right in the eyes. Perfect. Just where I wanted those eyes……keep. them. on. my. face…."Good morning,” she said…her eyes started drifting down…*CLAP! CLAP!* went my hands, as her eyes bounced back to my face. “It sure is!! Wow! What a great hair clip!!” I tried to be very animated by moving my eyebrows up and down and widen my eyes as big as I could, while at the same time quickly searching for my letter. The problem was, at that second I realized she wasn’t even wearing a hair clip, and her confused eyes started dropping down towards my misdemeanor shoes again. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I pointed behind her and screamed, “LOOK WHAT THE COLOR COPIER IS DOING!!” As soon as she turned, I grabbed my letter and click-clicked my heels outta there. Just in time too....my next exclamation would have been "Swine Fluuuuuuu!!" I’m pretty sure she thinks I have tourettes. Thankfully, I was able to avoid her for the rest of the day, and look amazing in my shoes. Wooowhoo!

I don't like your dog.

Brace yourself…..I. Do. Not. Like. Animals. I surely do not. Who cares? I don’t HATE them or curse their existence. I just don’t like them. I don’t want to own them. I don’t want to touch them. A few people have discovered this about me this past week and went into total shock. It was like I had told them I don’t shower or wear deodorant! I could definitely see I took a stumble down on the “good person” staircase in their eyes. In fact one lady actually said “Wow. You seemed so nice.” Ouch. What is the deal? Would you rather I own an animal and not take good care of it? I think I’m being a very caring, responsible person by NOT owning a pet. I watch Animal Cops all the time, and I do feel bad for those poor little guys. It’s HORRIBLE what some people do to them. (See! I have a soul!) And I think to myself, those people should never have got that dog, or cat, or whatever in the first place. Lo and Behold! I think I’d be a more horrible person if I got a dog and ignored it. I live at home and my parents DO have a dog. His name is Jake. I do not touch him or play with him. This is okay because the other people in my house do. I respect Jake, as a dog, and will occasionally address him if he is bugging me by licking the sliding glass door or something….but there are no “Hi Jakey Boy! That’s a good boy! Hi! Okay, snookums! Okay!” no……none of that. Our conversations go more like “Stop looking at me! Stop licking the glass, Jake! You retard!” or when I go outside, you can usually hear me saying “Do not come near me…don’t touch me, Jake!” So you’re probably wondering- WHY? Was I attacked by an animal? No. I think the thing is, growing up, I practically lived on a farm. At some point, we had chickens, pigs, peacocks, fish, dogs, cats, hamsters…shucks-I even had sea monkeys! In fact, I’m a little bit famous. Every single cat in Chino (and by now, it’s probably spread to surrounding Ontario, Upland, Chino Hills, and Pomona) is a direct descendant of my old cat, Pepper. NO JOKE. That cat had more babies then Octomom could ever dream of. The Rhoads kids could be seen standing in front of Target on any given Saturday trying to give away kittens for free. So I think as I grew, I felt I had done my time with animals. I’d had enough. Also, their fur is so dirty. Who goes up to a bum on the side of the freeway off ramp, rubs their head with their bare hand, calls it cute and wants to kiss it?!?! Because that’s what it’s like for me. I shudder. But I am a nice person. If I encounter someone who is unaware of this quirk of mine and they shove their little “Roxie” or “Mr. Snuggles” in my face, I will politely smile, assure them he/she is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen (Yeah, right) and I will pet it. Then if you watch closely, I will inconspicuously hold my hand away from my body and not touch one other thing until I excuse myself to the restroom where I will scrub my hands clean. I even carry hand sanitizer in my purse for such occasions.

So bottom line, get over it. It’s not a big deal that I don’t like animals. I’m still going to heaven…....maybe. ; )

Cheated!

Apparently my straw friend is well known. It was a "Boba Straw". Not so special after all.......please ignore my previous post. fired.

First Impressions

So today was my day to pick up bagels for work... I stopped off at Panera's (is there any other place to get bagels? Panera's ROCKS!) I saw a big sign for their new Mango Smoothie. I knew it was going to be a long, hard, boring day so I decided to treat myself and give it a go. The girl hands over my smoothie....

What the?!?! First I thought the cup and girls hand were very tiny. That wasn't the case. Notice the straw is as think as my thumb!!! I didn't take it from her right at first, and just stared with a confused look. Finally I managed to murmur, "That's fun..." as I slowly reached for it.




I wasn't sure if I liked this monstrous straw. It required a lot of concentration while drinking because I didn't want to choke on the gush of liquid that exploded in my mouth with one quick suck. I felt attacked and caught off guard. I was looking for a reward-not a challenge. We had a love/hate relationship.




As the day continued, I grew fonder of my straw. I found myself smiling when I looked at it. I imagined this straw standing next to 'normal' skinny straws and it feeling like a fatty. I could relate. Plus also, it was purple, and lo and behold! I too was wearing purple! I felt like we were destined to meet. My office hoodrats and I bonded with it during the 9am fire drill.



It was there to support me during annoying phone calls with insureds who can't grasp simple concepts. It was hard to be upset during the calls with my new friend, foggy with frost, feeding me deliciousness. I smiled again.

But at the end of the day. I knew we had to part ways. I shed zero tears, but did have a 10 to 15 second moment of silence to show my appreciation of our day together.